I do not want to write today but it has been far too long. I saw my neurologist on Friday for the results of my MRI. These tests came back inconclusive. She said she needed to take a look at the MRI of my brain ( that was delayed, coming from an out of network imaging center) she would follow up with me to see if there was anything more conclusive. So I am still just flapping in the wind.
But that is ok.
I woke up 3 times (Saturday, Sunday, and today) since that news, so shit ain’t too bad. I managed to go to the gym on a Saturday morning (*gasp*) and get in a good workout, before I spent some QT with my mother, made a bunch of delicious food, and watched TV and organized my closet until I could not hold my eyes open any longer. To some that may sound mundane AF, but for me it was a nice of change of pace. I was not panicking about the future, not re-living embarrassing moments from middle school due to lack of drinking. All I did was give myself tasks and then complete them. As soon as one thing was done I would move on to the next.
In the past starting any sort of project meant that I would end up starting about 5 different projects at once because I would be distracted by something else that needed doing, until the point that I have started so many things that I am too overwhelmed and nothing gets done.
There was no anxiety when the moment came to NOT drink. I came home on Friday, spoke with a friend via Skype and made dinner with Elliott. I pigged out with no guilt, and went to bed fully relaxed and woke up on Saturday ready to take on the world.
I made a bunch of delicious food during my meal prep on Sunday and felt so inspired by the flavors that I actually wrote down the recipes, to remake and then photograph. Because food is life for me,
Now I am not ready to become a teetotaler, there was a very distinct moment on Saturday evening when I looked over at Elliott and said to adopt a life with no drinking would be too boring right now. But for the next few weekends I will really get to see what true sobriety is like.
Hope this shit doesn't start to suck.